Ice Beer

Hi folks,

Its been awfully long since i wrote my last blog. Now, I got transferred to this place called God's own country and got really busy with my "so called Job".

A couple of things have happened all this while. For starters, I have got a supercool digicam and this is how i put it to use.



Now, lemme explain. Only means of entertainment in Kochi drink and sleep. And we are greedy bastards. How much ever beer we have, its never enough!!!. We wanted to drink BEER. We got more than we could drink. We put it in our Refrigerator's freezer. Beer froze, and the beer bottle cracked while beer turned into ice. It felt like u are eating ice scraped out of sides of freezer, only this one was awfully bitter.

But we were not going to throw it and make the gods angry.. were we?. Beer should not be wasted ever. So we collected it in a vessel.

Then i got the most Brilliantest idea ever. Beer ke gole. Lil beer ice in a bowl, mixed with Roohafzaa sharbat, and ya eat it.

Crazy but it worked.

How to kill time in office...

Has been really long since i wrote the last blog post entry. Was busy having way too much fun in coimbatore and now in delhi.

Offices tend to become very boring when u have not much to do or when u have lot to do but u just don feel like. Even more so if u are stuffed in small classroom/labs/cubicals and u feel like chicken stuffed in cages in a poultry shop. But then office aint such a bad place if u figure out ways to kill time in office. Following are some of my favorites:

1. I have been daily spending atleast an hour at www.theoatmeal.com. Read PJs, comics and take quizzes till u feel u are retarded and by the time u feel that way... u would notice its 6 in evening and time for u to get out of that hellhole. If that's not enough for you... read PJs and hurl them at coworkers when and where u can, till they beg you to stop and threaten to either commit suicide or stab you.

2. Play solitaire. It is THE classic way of killing time and is highly addictive. My best time is 50 secs flat.. try beating that. In case u cant find solitaire on the system in your workplace, probably it has been deleted by system admin. But solitaire comes preinstalled on windows and mostly system admins just delete shortcut. Try hitting Windows+R and type sol.exe and hit enter. Enjaay...!!

3. U can try playing games online. www.helicopterflash.net has been my all time favorite. U can also try www.notdoppler.com/multitask.php... see how good u are at multitasking and try playing multiple mini games at a time.

4. First thing that i bought with my first salary was a sony mp3 player. Office is the best place to listen to music. Hit the shuffle and turn up the volume and let your boss fist himself all he wants. U don have to give a damn.

5. If u work in an IT company, there ought to be quite some hot chicks in your office. Find a hot chick to flirt with and see how time flies by ;). If u are the shy types... firstly, u don deserve to live but by the time u figure out ways to commit suicide u can mingle with co workers. Just remember to talk bout anything in this world BUT work.

6. Work for 5 days and u get off only for 2 days... doesnt sound fair, does it? But then there is nothing much u can do bout it.. can ya? But you can sure kill some time in office planning for the weekend. Find out wat movie is in town and try booking their tickets. Find out frenz who are in town for the weekend and arrange to catch up with them over a round of tequila shots/beer. Best thing bout planning for weekend is, u know wat u are doing the moment u are out of office at 6:30 on friday. Wasting even a minute of weekend is a regrettable crime. U can also plan how to spend your salary if your payday is just round the corner... nothing gives u enough joy as much as spending your salary does.. :P.

7. Read blogs. Blogs are best for wasting time. Find out some good ones and visit them regularly. Here are some of my favorites.. http://nonsenseofkaushik.blogspot.com and http://www.dilbert.com/blog/. U can visit this page often coz its gonna get updated with some imba psychobabble pretty frequently from now on. Read posts and drop comments if u feel they are worth it.

8. Write a blog post. Spend time researching for it. BTW this blogpost has been written in office... have wasted solid 1 hr till now and there is only hour left before i'm outta here.

9. All time favorite... sleep. Catch up with some sleep in office. U feel fresher and can stay up till late in night... watch movies, talk on phone to ya galfren all night etc etc. Whatever u do will be worth much more than wat u do at office... so zzzzz.... and don snore. N don get cocky dreams... u don wanna wake up with a boner and someone asking u to stand up and explain why u were sleeping in office!! :O

10. Pull up some practical prank in office. Put a cellotape behind ur co worker's computer mouse and watch them figure out why their mouse while u have hard time controlling your laughter. Now is that evil or what...:)

11. Google is can also help you kill time!!!. Just type "How" or "what" or "when" in google search textbox and see what comes up in the autocomplete. Some of them are as weird as "How to get pregnant?" or "When will i get married?".. ROFL. Type something general and click on I'm feeling lucky... if u are lucky u would find something to kill time with.

12. Check out some uber cool chic pics in office if u are allowed that is... www.maxim.com and www.kingfishercalendar.com is amongst my favorite.

So have some fun and save yourself from death outta boredom while at work. I'm accepting gifts and donations if u feel like. Send them over... and no, we don like chillars and no we don accept cheques.

Disclaimer: The author of this blogpost does not take any responsibility whatsoever regarding the content on this page and will not take any blame if u loose your job following his advice. On the other hand if it so happens that u lose ur job... beer on me on saturday evening. This is least author can do for you... :P.

Peace... ciao till next post.

Sunday Bloody Sunday!!!...

Sunday usually means for me and my family a grand feast of vegetable and fruit salad along with either Chicken or Mutton Biryani or Fried Fish served with coriander chutney along with extra salad on sideys. Go easy on breakfast and hog in lunch... kinda like brunch, Gluttony at its best. My mom cooks best Biryani ever. She is world famous (atleast in my khandaan) for her Biryani. Ppl have turned carnivores by just the smell of Biryani cooking in our kitchen while she is at it. At least my cousin sister did turn into a passionate carnivore thanks to my insisting her to try mom’s biryaani. She was a carnivore and used to love digging into fish before she entered senior secondary. Things changed then, she made frenz with some gals who thought eating chicken/fish/any kinda flesh is so goddamned “EWWWW...”. If that wasn’t enough, she got carried away by stupid preachings of some religious guru and swore never to eat animals (that’s how they put it... ). Anyhow, common sense prevailed and thanks to me recently she turned into a passionate carnivore. She recently got engaged and her fiancé is a big time foodie too and loves chicken more than anything on this mother earth and was literally petrified at the thought that my cousin sister will make him quit eating non-veg too pyaar ke khaatir and all that. He owes me a big thank you now.. ;).

Any freaking ways, I love eating non-veg. When in college, going to eat out usually meant ordering only chicken. Vegetarians were outcasts. Me and my roomie (Harry) along with all our frenz were big time foodies and used to pity Vegetarians. We carnivores have chicken gravys, Tandoori chicken legs and breasts, Fried wings, mutton biryani, fried shrimps, chilly pork (the list can go on till whole world is covered thrice) to hog on and what have vegetarians got as options for eating out.. “freaking PANEER”. Paneer yeh and paneer woh... and it sucks if you ask me. Its like Nataraj Eraser dropped in gravy or at times fried and covered in sauce.

Some of u might not agree... u have all the right not to agree, free democratic nation after all. Vegetables are good, not denying that, even tasty at times. But paneer finger with beer does kinda suck... there is nothing better than tandoori chicken and Beer. This is national Punjabi combo and how can one not love it?
I don’t like being called a non-vegetarian, I prefer being called a carnivore. Non-vegetarian is a very negative word, makes me feel as if i’m doing something terribly wrong. “What!! u eat non-vegetables??”. Excuse my PJ’s, send me hate mails if you want.

I might go to hell for gluttony for sure... but so be it, i think its worth it. On top of that I eat innocent goats and chickens for my lunch... how bloody cruel of me. Oh my god, I think in HELL I’ll be tied to a big fucking pole, one end of which vanishes in the clouds with nothing around me, not even a shrub. There ll be scorching sun right over my head and I’ll be tied to that pole of infinite length in midst of desert with nothing on me.... stark naked!!. I’ll see a big cloud of dust at the horizon coming towards me. I squint my eyes to see a herd of goats running towards me. I realize that it is more like a sea of goats (rather than just a herd) a few moments latter and i can see anger in their eyes. Now m terrified and turn to see to see to my left that there is another flock of chickens running towards me doing “pakaak pakaak” in anger and stumbling on each other. And in my right i can see prawns and shrimps coming out of desert sand and gathering near my feet. I’ve never felt so helpless in my whole life and i close my eyes outta fear. I keep my eyes forced shut for a minute expecting worst to happen... but nothing. There is silence around me. I open my eyes slowly one at a time still petrified and through the settling dust i see one of the goats approaching towards me from the herd and looks me into eye and says “What u staring at?? We all died just so that u could fill that evil bottomless pit that u call tummy. Now the time has come... We’ll do to you what u have done to us. What u do unto others, same happens to u ... That’s wat happens in hell. Now u die MOTHERFUCKER”. I saw this and passed out, probably partly out of fear and partly out of surprise that a goat could talk and swear at me!!!.

But jokes apart, have u ever thought that even plants are living beings. Going by same logic that u should not eat living beings, u shouldn’t eat plants either. Just coz they can’t move around or making noises doesn’t mean they are not living beings. What if they have feelings too? What if they cry when they are uprooted or when they are robbed of their children, i.e. fruits? What if they shed tears when u rob them of their vegetables? U should just stop eating i say OR u can try not use ur head so much and eat whatever u like, “Its a goddamned food cycle, don look at me like that. Shut up and eat ur chicken leg”.

In fact i rather feel guilty when i drink milk. A healthy cow is supposed to give not more than 3 litres of milk per day. But they are injected with synthetic drugs so that they would give 8-10 litres of milk every day. And as obvious, that healthy cow which could have lived for another ten years dies in next three years. We do not just milk cows, we fucking murder them for milk. How is that now??

But i don wanna start centuries old debate... To be or not to be Vegetarian. I'm a carnivore and m very happy with that.

Good for u if u are a vegetarian, at least there is enough chicken left for me. And good for u if i’m a carnivore, at least there are enough vegetables for u.

But wat is more important is that we do not alienate ourselves from our food sources. In this time of Mc Donalds and KFC all that comes to our mind we someone says chicken is a crispy fried peice of chicken leg. Have u ever seen a wheat farm?? Have u ever seen a chicken being killed and skinned?? Have u ever seen a goat’s throat being slit before he becomes ur mutton??

Thanks to onslaught of packaged food, tremendous competition in retail fast food business and increasing population, there is a tremendous pressure on all food sources to keep our stomachs filled. So much so that we are ready to take the risk of trying genetically modified food, we pump our farms with never ending supplies of synthetic fertilizers and pesticides and we inject our livestocks with fatal synthetic drugs. We have forgot what organic food is, we have forgot where does our food actually comes from.

This reminds me of a video i had seen somewhere about how stupid Umreekans are. A five year old girl goes to local zoo with her mother. Her mother shows her a hen in cage and asks her “What is this?”. Girl quips and says “Chicken nuggets”!!!.
Eat healthy and stay healthy. Chop chop...

Thank you for smoking

Between this post and the last... i’ve had an amazing vacation in parts of Assam and Meghalaya and travelled a bit... shopped a lil and read a lot. I love travelling and its good to escape outta home every once in a while coz it gets suffocating at home... my mom is too caring and my dad is too protective to let me be myself. But not their fault really... I’m used to and just need more space now. Also i like to travel coz once i’m outta home i can smoke and smoke as much as i want to.

But smoking is not just a habit... its more of a fucking lifestyle. U meet up an old fren after a couple of years... and what do u do??.. I know wat i do. Go to a smoke joint and share a ciggy... all guards down and it feels u were never outta touch and no ice to break... all so liquid between him and u and feels it has been so since forever. One long drag and while u still taking in the smoke enjoying the bliss of nicotine u manage to say.. “Aur bata panchod!!!... wassup these days?”.

I might not have been such good frenz with some ppl had i not used to smoke with them. U go to a smoke joint and see someone puffing away in glory, someone who lives just across your room or in another corridor in hostel and u used to be good frenz with him but now u hardly talk... life’s been keeping you busy enough. U get one of your own nicotine sticks or share one with him and have a small talk.. catch up... easy.

“U know him?”
“Yeah i do... shared a fag with him once” or “Yeah he gave me light when i was outta matches”.

U wouldnt believe if i told u i could sell my old comp coz i used to smoke.. wouldja? We had an old comp which we wanted to get rid of since long. So we enquired and dad called up some ppl in computer sales and services business he knew.

“I have an old computer... branded. Compaq Presario... in superb condition. Was hoping u could help me sell it!!”.

“Configuration?” came the blunt question from the other side.

With my help he proudly anounced on the phone “Intel Pentium 3, 256 mb Ram, 40 gb hard disk.. no no.. not SATA. Also there is.... “.

Before he could finish... “Sir!!! P3?? No one buys P3 these days... if u so much want to get rid of that old thing u call computer... i advise u to donate it to some school or something, or some institute which teaches poor kids how to type. Charity ka charity... garbage removal ka garbage removal... hahahaa”.

My dad was red with anger... how could someone insult his old computer. His computer’s insult was his insult... or it almost seemed so. “No need selling this computer... Let it lie in that corner”. I tried to argue “But!!!...”. “Its not gonna bite u... that poor lil thing ll just be lying in a corner”. And so it was lying on half of the computer table while i had cramped my other desktop just beside it. Sometimes i imagined if my old comp had feelings, it would be giving dirty looks to my shiny black desktop on which i seemed to spend most of my day. It would be feeling jealous the same way Chandramukhi was jealous of Paaro. But they wont dance around together “O dhola re dhola re”.. would they? Whatever.

One day i just stepped out of my house for a smoke . Got onto my scootrette and rode around and found a cozy lil place. Bought a kings and fired up the lil bastard and smoked em... and while i was at it i was told by the guy in smoke joint that a new computer institute is coming up just next when i enquired bout some fresh construction. Vola!!! I thought.... this is it... he would buy my comp and if he wont... who else would?

And indeed he did.. for 5 grand. And i think i wouldnt have known bout this new institute nearby and could not have possibly befriended its owner had i not been smoking.

I still meet him once in a while i go there for a smoke... we have small talk. Now he’s teaching kids how to use excel sheet while some aunties are learining how to make power point presentations (The ones where letters are like “Khat khat khat” like a typewriter and slides fly out “swoosh swoosh.... “) on that ol thing of mine which we used to call computer and dad was so proud of.

Thanks to smoking... i have been frenz with some amazing ppl. So why doesnt everyone share a fag and peace out and spread love. Imagine There would have been no Pakistan had Gandhi and Jinnah smoked a cigarette or better, a weed joint together. “No no... we dont want a seperate Muslim state.. its all good dude. Gandhi, machchaaw u roll like pro. I would not want to miss that... would i?.. hahahaa. Common now pass me that joint you bespectacled bald prick... ”. Imagine George Bush would visit Tora Bora mountains in Afghanistan and he and Osama would smoke a joint together in a dark cave. “Osama... are there bigfoots in this cave of yours... I can see some shadow around that dark alley there... Or forget it... maybe I’m stoned.. oh fuck!!!”... LMAO

PEACE OUT...

This is for all of u with whom i ever shared a fag or a joint....

Beshtesht of jobs...

Most envious jobs ever… Not in the order though.

1. Bartender… mingle with and mix drinks for ppl and gulp down few shots yourself every once in a while.

2. Bouncer… bounce ppl who are trying to tickle your stripper galfren while she is giving it to the pole.

3. Stripper/hooker/gigolo/porn star… No gender discrimination here. Have sex all day and get paid too… its like having your cake and being able to eat it too. But you might have to change ya name … Siren or something like that.

4. Rockstar… do I need to say any more… ppl have written songs how they wanna even cut their hair and change their name … coz they all wanna be big rock stars.

5. Rock band manager… Manage a rock band. Big bucks, groopies and cheap drug and why would u want anything else other than that?

6. Fashion photographer… better if its kingfisher calendar photograph. Travel the whole india and click pics of gorgeous chicks… and get paid on top of that.

7. Author for a runaway hit (to the scale of five point someone”) novel/book … nevermind however sleazy it is.

8. Editor for a magazine… Not competition success review or woman’s review… something as cool as Maxim.

9. Standup comedian… U know u are crazy and good for nothing. Well, all you are good at is making a clown of yourself and laugh on yaself. Better do it on stage and get paid for it.

10. Business Baron… Lot of money to spend on whatever u want. U are in news even if u just sneeze or if your piss/poop is of unusual color. U can be Vijay Malaya and then u can throw parties, make and drink your own booze, wear a funny hat and go to Enrique concert and still ppl would think how cool u are!!!

11. Make ya own social networking site… be it anything, ppl will go at it just coz they are so jobless. Convert their clicks into money…. Simbly jushhht like that.

12. Drug dealer… Get high on the purest of stuff yourself and mix it with baking powder and pack them in small poly bags and sell it. Everyone loves u and needs you… be it an actor, rockstar, sports icon or just a usual drug junkie. One of the quickest ways to become a millionaire provided u don get killed in a gang war or get busted that is.

13. VJ… Blabber the first thing that pops into ya head… talk to ppl on phone in front of camera while they request for their favorite music and dedicate it to their so called loved ones.

14. DJ… Mix and play your own music in hippest of clubs. Work till late and party every night.

15. Psychologist… Listen to ppl talk bout themselves for an hour and charge them 500 bucks just like that. Once in a while fill them up with your psychobabble just to make them feel that u are doing your job.

16. Entrepreneur/Technopreneur… Make something new and hire ppl to work under you. Set up your own company and then sell it off for million dollars and retire at age of thirty and sit and eat for rest of ya life.

17. Game tester… Go to work in shorts… play all day on game console and get paid big bucks for it. How that one huh?

18. Open ya own engineering college… Stuff it with kids and charge them big bucks for anything and everything. Then u’ll be “vishawanathan” of your own world.

19. Yoga guru… Learn to inflate and deflate your belly and try to churn it if you can. Voila!!.. u are a yoga guru and you can cure ppl of any disease… even homosexuality.

20. Comic strip/graphic novel writer… Make your own comic strip like spider-man, shaktimaan or even Savita Bhabhi if u are into that kinda thing. Who knows u might me signed up soon by a movie studio to make ya comic into a movie. Talking of which… when is movie on Savita Bhabhi gonna come out… ???

All said and done… being jobless is still the best job ever. So much so that I’ve perfected the art doing nothing the whole day and OMG it feels good…

Merrily Jobless!!!

Firstly… I apologize for not posting for so long. I was too lazy to come up with anything to post. Been missing my college and frenz. M bored at home waiting for TCS to call me… so much that my boredom is eating me up.

Meanwhile I attended my convocation… so m a certified engineer now. Certified that “I don’t know nothing”. Convocation was wild though… drank and smoked pot and apparently passed out. Was majorly hung over even on my first and possible the last convocation… How that one?

But being jobless has its own merits. I don think I’m ready to work yet. M not ready for a 8 to 5 job yet. I m looking forward to having more fun in life before being type casted as a boring professional sulking and sucking up a job… cribbing how uneventful my life is… NO… not yet. But I don wanna study anymore either, at least for now. Know wat… I wanna take up a course in bartending. LOL… lets come back from wonderland.

Coming back to being jobless having its own merits… How?

1. U can get up whenever u want.

2. U can have breakfast any hour of the day… who gives a shit.

3. Eat home cooked food and get obese. Boi u gonna starve later…

4. Try your hand at cooking.

5. Travel as much as you want. Go to places u have never been to, with frenz or parents.

6. Get in the best shape ever… work out, play and sweat.

7. Watch TV… u’ll never be so bored to sit and watch stupid shows on idiot box all day.

8. Care not to miss a single movie in theatre.

9. Take up new hobbies… like growing beard, visiting dermatologist or reading erotica.

10. Even write a blog on how u are enjoying being jobless. Even more so… you could read one on the same… Gotcha ;)

Joy of studying in the 10th best college of country

VIT was ranked as the best private institute and amongst the top 10 overall across the nation by a magazine i held in high esteem. I thought it was outrageous but then after some introspection i thought... what the heck, VIT is the best. Why not?

So here it is why VIT is the best:

1. Infrastructure is mind blowing. It looks like a habitable concrete jungle while IIT's look like a peaceful jungle.

2. Student intake is very high. The more the merrier... right?

3. Half the students are from management quota. Who wants a university campus full of nerds.

4. VIT has accreditation from IEEE, ABAT and what not... who wants AICTE approval. Its so middle class i tell you.

5. Faculty is amazing. They foster you to become independent. Be it course subjects or projects, they simply won't help. Spoon feeding simply not our style.

6. Placements are better than any other university can imagine. TCS holds a world record for recruiting most students from a campus while Honda motors with a package of 1.75 lakhs/annum was a dream offer. Wat more can u ask for?

7. Lot of research takes place in VIT, but not many ppl know bout it with most of it being confidential n all.

8. Laboratory apparatus are best of kind. Even a test tube costs 500 bucks. Break one and u'll know.

9. We practice "Patience is the key to success". We stand in lines... like really long lines be it room allotment, mess, gym, lifts or even for toilets and bathrooms in morning.

10. Mess food is awesome (i needn't say anymore).

11. We are prepared to face the mean and harsh world outside. Getting a job done in VIT is like dealing with government office. Better to have prior experience before we are out on our own.

12. Hostels are very nice. You can have a party every night with your 6 or 8 roomies depending on how many ppl u want for the party. Hostel office makes sure u get atleast 5 to 6 roomies. Loneliness kill we heard.

13.Rajnikanth and Aishwarya were here for shooting a movie. VIT also works as a makeshift movie studio. Students can get a break from hectic schedules,labs and all and get something to refresh themselves once in a while, click a picture and get an autograph or two.

14. Vishal and Shekhar lip synced in Riviera. Man!! they were so rocking.

15. We respect indian values at VIT. Every student vows to celibacy as soon as he/she is admitted in VIT. Talking to opposite sex or sitting beside in class is a strict no no while u can forget watching rock concerts, musical nites and DJ nights. Cosmopolitan culture is very American and we hate Americans.

16. Still if you get very desperate... you can go make out in the last lane near greeno's and foodys. After all VIT is a place to learn and chance to grow!!

17. Students are forced to finish their final semester projects in their department. We don't want them to get exploited in the big bad world outside.

18. We have a very nice library tho it gets difficult at times to get ya hands on the limited copies of textbooks when nearing exams. Atleast the library looks awesome and has full blast of AC on at all times.

19. Chicks are ismoking haaatt.

20. Lastly, VIT is best coz we have compulsory 75% attendance.

All said... why shouldn't VIT be the best college of country. Hon'ble Chancellor is sure that it'll make it into the world's 10 best colleges by next year.

If you feel strongly for the issue... comment on this post and u can contribute to bring to light some more reasons as in why VIT is best.

DISCLAIMER: This post is being published for fun with no intentions to bring bad reputation to the said institution. Author doesn't take responsibility and doesn't care anyways... coz he's so wasted to make any sense whatsoever.

ENJAAY!!!!